I guess I’m not either

I didn’t quit. I mean, I was about to – I seriously talked to my boss about the possibility. But in the end, I realized that quitting would not actually solve my problem. While I do believe that sometimes you need to walk away from a toxic situation, I wanted to try, one last time, to make it work. So I’m sticking it out. I’m forming better relationships, working on my communication, and trying not to let the negatives outweigh the positives. 

And it’s possible that the frustration will continue to be overwhelming. I mean, it really is possible that I won’t actually have solved anything, and will simply end the year frustrated and pissed off. But I want to go down trying – and if it doesn’t work out, it’s not going to be because of me. 

 

We (lastnamehere) are not quitters!

This post is about quitting. It’s about giving up, throwing in the towel, putting your gun down.

I am a lifelong quitter – I mean, I know the word has a negative connotation, but I’ve quit a lot of things in my life, and some  were for good reasons and some for bad. For example, I quit my dancing lessons because I wasn’t getting joy from dancing anymore, and I was not about doing something that wasn’t adding value to my life. I can’t even count the number of books I’ve stopped reading halfway through because I felt as though I wasn’t benefiting from them.

But then there are the things I quit that I should probably not have. I quit trying in my Stats class a few years ago because I got too frustrated with the material. I quit doing calligraphy and artwork because I didn’t remind myself to do those things – and by the time I remembered, my skills had atrophied. I quit without even quitting, really.

I quit working out last semester because I just didn’t have time, and I’ve now lost a significant amount of muscle tone. I quit playing the guitar on a daily basis. I quit my acappella group because I had several jobs that were sucking up all of my time. I quit the poetry slam team because I didn’t have time to go anymore. I quit another organization because I hated the politics.

Like I said, I’m a habitual quitter – I don’t believe in doing things that aren’t adding value to my life, so when I find myself in the position of doing so, I quit. I just stop doing whatever it is that was pissing me off, and move on. I find something else that I feel will add value, and I start doing that instead.

Right now, though, I’m at this point where I’m not sure why I want to quit. I have a job that is frustrating, and I have tried all year to change things and it’s just not happening. I honestly feel as though this job is sucking the joy out of my life. But if I persevered for a few more months, would things change? Am I throwing in the towel because of this lack of value or because I’m frustrated?

I honestly believe that being willing to quit is one of the most important things people need to be. Everyone gets caught up in the money, or the prestige, of whatever they’re doing, and stop thinking about whether or not they’re actually doing something that helps them grow and change and learn and better themselves. But at the same time, I’ve grown up in a society that values follow through and commitment. I made a commitment to this position – and I only have two months left in it – should I quit now, or stick it out? And am I brave enough to quit? Or perhaps the true bravery is in sticking it out to the bitter end, and doing my best even when it feels like I’m fighting honeyed quicksand.

How about you? Are you keeping something in your life that’s not providing you with any value at all? If so, what’s keeping you there? Maybe it’s time for us to cut the shit together, and start adding positives instead of keeping negatives.

Wherefore art thou leaving?

So I want to go to Europe when I graduate, and I know there are people in my life who are wondering why I’m hell bent on leaving. I guess in many ways, I don’t even really know how to articulate it, but I will, for myself and for all of you.

I feel as though I’ve spent my life inside an egg shell. I’ve had everything in here – food, shelter, someone’s been turning me regularly. And I’ve spent all this time growing – my heart has been learning to beat, and I’ve grown slowly bigger. Only as I got bigger, the fluids inside this egg that helped me grow have begun weighing me down. All of these things that have nurtured me so far are settling against my skin, and I feel like I’m going to suffocate if I don’t get out.

And I know that once I leave this shell, I won’t be able to go back – it’ll be broken. A butterfly cannot return to its cocoon, rainwater can’t flow back into a cloud. But once I leave, I’ll have the chance to do new things – I can cross pollinate flowers, water crops, lay my own eggs.

I can come up with new and cooler metaphors.

I guess what I’m trying to say exactly what this quote does:

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. – Anais Nin

My day has come, and while I know there’s a lot at stake, and I’ll need to be careful, and all…I can’t imagine regretting this decision.

May your keyboard never falter

It’s over! It’s over! At least for now!

Last Saturday, I took the LSAT, and then I took myself to a yoga class! (I was a hot date! Get it? Cuz it was hot yoga.) And when I came home, I was confronted with four loads of laundry. That’s a lot of clothes – that’s a lot of shirts, pants, and sweaters, certainly far too many clothes for one person. And the worst part, at least to me, was that I probably had at least two or three more loads in my drawers. I don’t want to be redundant, but I seriously do not need that many outfits.

The rest of my week has been pretty normal though; yesterday, I submitted a script that I wrote for a show my school puts on every year about oppression in our society, and I’m really excited about it. While I’m not certain it will get picked – I am sure there are many writers here far more talented than I – I have my fingers crossed. I just know it would be an amazing feeling to see someone acting based on a script I wrote.

The simplest reason for why this blog has been neglected these past few weeks is that I haven’t been able to finish a post. I’ve found myself jumping around randomly, from task to task without any notion of completion. In fact, when I started this post, I was directly in the middle of sending an email.

Does that ever happen to you? You’re normally on an even keel, but every so often you seem to be a little off. Tasks you normally enjoy are suddenly taxing ordeals, and sitting down for fifteen straight minutes seems like a massive chore. I wound up watching a lot of television and squeezing homework into the times when I was not. I think part of it is just that I was looking forward to the LSAT in the sort of way that it had become my whole life. And suddenly it disappeared, and it was like my world had lost its center. All gravitational forces exerted upon my little earth by its sun ceased to exist, and I was bounding along through space, with nary a sun to pull me into its orbit.

I am clearly not a science major. But I think I get plus points for that analogy!

In any case, today is the day I try and change that. I’ve awoken early, I’m at a coffee shop, and I’m clearly typing fairly efficiently. And I hope that you also have the type of productive morning that I am looking forward to having myself! May your thoughts flow smoothly and quickly, and your keyboard never falter!

February Test Anxiety

I don’t know where you guys are, but I awoke this February 1st to a flurry  of snow outside my window. My LSAT it one week away (exactly. one. week.) and I’ve been freaking out like, mad crazy. I can’t focus on anything, and I’m so worried about this exam, it’s putting all previous cases of test anxiety to shame. Why is the LSAT so daunting? Especially when I’m not even sure I want to go to law school?

I’ve started making post graduation plans, and really exploring all my options, and I’m just not sure where my life is right now, and this LSAT and I are in a staring contest,  and I blink first EVERY TIME. In addition to that, I’ve felt like I was going to faint so many times over the past couple of days, and I’m pretty sure it’s a reaction to this stress I’m putting on myself. The thing is that I’m rarely nervous about exams. While I do pressure myself to do well, I rarely have this all-consuming anxiety haunting me. So, today, I’m going to do some yoga. I’m going to drink some hot tea. I’m going to continue reading about LSAT strategy, and I’m going to remind myself that this is just a test.

Sure, it’s a big test. But at the end of the day, it’s still just a test. It doesn’t have the power to define my future the way I imagine it does, and I think that as long as I remember that, I’m going to be just fine.